


Pasta Craig

by lordjenjen



Category: South Park
Genre: Added two more useless yet entertaining bits, It was also national ravioli day when I wrote this, M/M, Unusual uses of pasta scauce and noodles, i hope you enjoy, it's a holiday story, obviously, to be fair this whole this was written because of auto correct, welcome Pasta Craig into your life!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-17
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2019-06-11 19:00:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15322137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lordjenjen/pseuds/lordjenjen
Summary: Autocorrect is the Difference between Pastor Craig and Pasta Craig.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GuineapigQueen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GuineapigQueen/gifts).



National Ravioli Day

***

“Yes, your son has been possessed.” 

Craig's face relayed no emotions as he told the news to the person's father.

The mother, being dramatic, cried onto his shoulder. He pulled his wife into his arms and attempted to comfort her. 

“I need touch to leave immediately. If you want to son to ever be the same again, leave.”

“Can…” the man started, obviously choosing his words carefully. “Can you make him better, Father?”

“Leave. Now.”

Craig opened the bedroom door and slammed it shut behind him. He couldn't believe some of the residents of South Park. They were terrible people and he knew why. It wasn't their fault, science had led them all astray. He was determined to set things right. 

“Gah! I'm not possessed by a demon!” 

Craig looked to see the blonde man, Tweek was it? The parents had tied him to his bed to prevent him from escaping.

“No, you're not.”

“Oh thank God your sane. Untie me.”

“No.” Craig set his bad down and began pulling thing out and setting them on the nightstand.

“NO!? WHAT THE HELL!? Oh god!” Tweek began shaking. Craig did his best to ignore the man. “My fucking parents are going to get me raped and murdered. I go to fucking rehab because  _ they _ were drugging me all these years, man. They-they had me putting drugs in the coffee. Since I was 10! GAH! And they still so it! All I wanted was to not be addicted. Go to rehab, come back, refuse  _ their _ meth laced coffee and suddenly I'm the bad guy! Please don't kill me!”

“Not killing you.” Craig stood back and looked at the form below him. The man only wore his pajama pants. It would definitely make this whole process easier. 

“So rape.”

“Not necessarily.”

“That doesn’t make this any better.”

Craig untied one of Tweek’s legs and pulled his pant leg off, a little surprised to find him comando. He re-tied it before doing the same to the other. Craig then grabbed a few candles from his bag and lit them, placinging them about the room.

“Is-” He heard Tweek sniff. “Is that- Is that a garlic scented candle?”

“One of them is, yes.”

He finished placing the candles and went back to the bed and grabbed out a jar of holy marinara. He unscrewed the cap, pouring a little onto Tweek's chest before setting the jar off the the side. He began messaging the red sauce into the man's pale skin, never wavering on his chant.

"Ravioli, marinara, meatball. Throw spaghetti against the wall."

“WHAT!?”

“If it’s cooked then it won’t fall. Pasta God hear my call.”

Tweek groaned. “Oh god my parents found a nut job.”

Craig continued rubbing the sauce into his skin, making sure all of his skin except his face was covered. As he chanted and massaged, Tweek relaxed beneath his fingers. Craig fingers paid extra care to any point that seemed to make Tweeks’s cock twitch a little. When he felt satisfied that the man was relaxed enough, Craig began saucing up his cock. Tweek let out a surprised moan and watched Craig work on making him hard.

“Jesus fuck, why does tomato sauce feel so good.”

“It's my own home made creation. It also tastes delicious.”

It didn't take Craig long to get Tweek erect and wanting. He let go of the tomato-ed up cock and grabbed the next item needed. Tweek stared at things container confused but said nothing as Craig dipped the spoon into the jar. Carefully he placed a glob of ricotta cheese onto each nipple, spreading it enough to make sure it covered his areolas. 

Next up, Craig grabbed a piece of his finely crafted noodles, placing the ravioli over the each cheese covered nipple. He then proceeded to do the same to each testicle, creating mini lasagna’s on each. He then sprinkle parmesan cheese all over Tweek's torso and ass crack

Craig placed the last needed jar on the bed before straddling Tweek's hips. He sighed to himself, knowing full well this was the only way to cleanse the man.

Craig slowly took Tweek's sauced up cock up his extra virgin olive oiled ass.

Both men let out moans of pleasure as Craig began ridding the well endowed man.

It didn't take long before Craig could feel Tweek's cock start to swell more inside him. He grabbed his jar and prepared to for he final step. 

As Tweek came deep inside him, Craig pulled open the jar of Alfredo sauce and threw into the orgasming man's face. The sudden surprise of alfredo in the face caused a rigatoni shaped spirit separate from Tweek. A wet and limp cry escaped the entity as it fledge from the room, leaving a very confused and exhausted Tweek behind.

“What the fuck was that? Why did you throw alfredo sauce in my face?”

“Well that was a gluten free, starch free, egg free and dairy free rigatoni. An im-pasta, if you will.”

“Did you just- just fucking make a pun?”

Craig ignored Tweek and untied his wrists. “And for obvious reasons, store bought Alfredo sauce is the best to use in such a situation.”

“Who are you? You're not a normal priest.” Tweek rubbed his wrists.

“I am Pasta Craig.”

“Pastor Craig?” Tweek twitched a little but made no move to get Craig off of him.

“No. Pasta Craig. It's a common mistake.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Butters pays Pasta Craig a visit.

"I-I have these-um-these impure thoughts, Pasta Tucker, and well. I just- don't know what to do with them."

  
Craig steepled his hands together, leaning back in his office chair. "What kind of impure thoughts, my child."

  
"Well, uh-well. Sometimes I. Well sometimes I think about kissing-kissing other boys."

  
"Boys, Leopold?"

  
"Well no. Men. I mean a man really. Just one. But men."

  
"Interesting, and you think-"

  
"Well obviously there's-there's some malicious force inside of me that makes me feel all hot and bothered every time a beautiful man walks by."

  
"Interesting. Stand up and take your shirt off."

  
"Take-take my shirt off?"

  
"That's right." Craig said standing and opening the ornate armoire behind his desk. "Shirt off."  
  
Craig selected a particularly nice cat o' nine tales. Each whip was made from freshly made and perfectly cooked spaghetti, braided together in groups of three to give it enough strength to withstand a good whipping. The handle was made from one long lasagna noodles, holding it all together. This particular one, Craig had just finished this morning so it was incredibly fresh.  
  
"Is that linguine?"  
  
Craig stopped midway opening a jar of sauce. "Spaghetti. Linguine is reserved for particularly difficult im-pastas. I hope it doesn't come to that. Kneel down," Craig thumped the bottom of the jar to get the seal to pop, “and brace yourself on the wall."  
  
He dipped the cat o nine into the jar, coating the tips in red goop before raising it above his head.  
  
"Macaroni!" He yelled bringing it down onto Butters back. "Macaroni!"  
  
Craig brought the whip down, making sure to cover every inch of the pale skin in red sauce, recoating the whip as needed.  
  
Craig let out a sigh of relief, after twenty minutes of whipping. He rolled his arm a bit, trying to ease the ache. "Do you feel different?" He asked.  
  
"No. Just kinda gross and sticky and confused but I still want to kiss men." Butters sat up and looked at Craig. "Did it not work?"  
  
Craig kneeled next to Butters. "There was nothing wrong with you to start with. You're fine. It's okay to want to be with men or women or whoever. It doesn't mean you're possessed. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong. It just means you're bi."  
  
"OH! Is that what bi-curious means? This entire time I was unsure. Then what was all the whipping for?"

  
"Testing out my new braiding technique."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should write some legit Crutters.


	3. The Unveganing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Super tiny about Stan. Inspired by terrible yaoi art.

Stan found the feel of the slightly moist pasta curling around his cock most pleasant. The sauce added enough lubrication and texture to the pasta to make it feel pleasurable rather than slimey. Pasta Craig's fingers, which blended in well with the spaghetti as they were also long and thin, were entangled in the mass of noodles helping stroke Stan's dick as he thrusted deep into the man's ass.

"I love to eat this!" Stan moaned.

"Yes. You love actual pasta."

"I do!"

Craig let go of Stan's dick and thrusted harder into the man. The noodles slipped around Stan's dick as gravity took over, pulling them onto the white table cloth. The sensation was to much for Stan and he orgasmed, screaming about his love of pasta, forever curing his vegan tendencies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There ya have it. He adventures of Pasta Craig

**Author's Note:**

> Open your hearts to Salvation. Open your mouth to pasta.  
> Thanks for reading this non sense. It is one of many things I have created out if the silliness of a South Park discord chat, and honestly, I love it. Comments are welcome and so is feedback.


End file.
